Father Issues

I recently returned from a week in the US.  I would like to say that I returned from a week at home, but...I don't have a home.  I've lived in a basement room at my father's parsonage in Suffern, and my dead mother gave me an upstairs room at my father's house in Utica.  I don't have a home in either place:  I have no friends, no acquaintances, so I have no home.

 

This is a picture of two things:  a picture of the street outside my father's house in Utica, but it is a picture of my father's heart.  He has been driven over so many times that tracks are obvious in his behavior. During the week (6 days) that I was in NY, my father had "other plans" for 5 of them.  Those plans were, specifically, seeing an old Richfield Springs church member for 4 days, and having dinner with a current Suffern church member  for 1 day.

Granted, my father and I have never had a "close" relationship.  Yes, he is still hurting in ways I don't understand (you know, mother's death and all that jazz).  But he is not changing because of his hurt.  I've changed because of that hurt, specifically I've become brutally honest: if I don't know you, I just don't give a fuck about you, and I don't give a fuck if you like me or not.  If I do know you, how much I talk to you really depends on if I like you or not.  My father does not have that capability.  But he has a capability to alienate me by refusing to spend time with me.  

Is it any wonder that I wasn't there for my mother's death?

I have only known two adult role models, and both of them taught me that my time is either the church's or my own (and because of my current leaning...it's gotta be my own).  That lesson was learned in a negative space:  other people deserved more time with my parents than I did.  Strangers deserved time with me.

And that's wrong.

My sister proclaims, and my mother used to, that my father "would do anything" for us.  That's a lie.  It's a bunch of words branded in my sister's mind to make up for the simple fact that her father, my father, will not "do anything" for her.  In fact, his behavior indicates that he will do anything but "anything."  Being hurt does not give clemency.  Because we, my sister and I, are worth more. And I will not buy the lie my mother sold.  My father is eternally, fatally flawed.  I'm not sure I love him.

Knock knock

Who's there

Your son

Oh...then I'm leaving.

It should be no wonder that I'm never coming back to you.

 

Before I went back to the US, I went to Global Village at Dubailand.  I went by myself (see tirade above), and it was certainly worth the 10 Durham entry fee. It was not worth 40 Durhams per park ride, nor was it worth the 43 Durham (each way) taxi drive.  But at least it had bright lights, unlike the rest of Dubai. =-)

 

If you've ever been to a really crappy amusement park...rethink crappy.  

 

  

 

 

Even though you are rethinking crappy, as am I, I remember seeing this woman (pictured above).  I remember seeing the women below.

I remember what it is like to be invisible.

And because of that, I refuse to be visible.  If you don't know me, you have no right to see me.  If you know me but don't see me, Dad, it's your loss.