When I rode the horse, I was thinner.

I would beat a dog, if I could get just get that needle ...
I would never miss anyone I have ever loved if I could get that needle...
I would eat a baby if I could get that needle...

Just a...  I don't even want that...  What about a sniff?  What about being in the same room?  What about knowing someone who knows someone...?
I would snort your tears through a straw if I could just get that needle...

This night is one of the worst nights ever.

Some nights, I'm 100% sure I can't go on.  Those nights, surprisingly, aren't the worst ones for me.  I always know that after some slick knife-play, my wrist veins are inviolate.  I don't have the strength to saw through them.  I have only ever found the strength to puncture other veins, as if I had diabetes (but without the insulin problem) or as if I had finally found the tattoo I've always wanted.     

Just a sniff of it.

I don't even want it.  I just want to see someone else have it...

Pilar emailed me today.  The abortion went well.  Meaning Pilar didn't die.  Unlike the thing inside.  That has been successfully killed. Sorry, kiddo.

I don't even need to see it personally.  Just a picture of someone else enjoying it would do.

Actually, a picture of someone looking at a picture of someone else doing it would be sufficient.

I don't want it. 

I don't want to have that sense of needing something every hour.  Oh...I already have that.  How about this:  I'm stronger than loving something that doesn't care about me.  Yeah, I like that.  Here's what I have to say to the white face of this thing I want, the unknowable face of some god, the stoic face of tomorrow.  I am not owned.  I am not yours.  I have been in the throes of your grace, but I have never been yours.

I have a cigarette, I have a drink, and I have a wild dream of living forever.  But I am not, and will not be, yours.  Ever.

I am mine.