Whatever

It's kind of weird, what my parents never taught me.  My father never told me that a man's "whatchamacallit" goes into a woman's "punkin."  My father never told me that a cow can be subdued by punching it on the forehead, my mother never said that the best way to house-train a dog was to give the dog a treat every time it "went" outside.   My parents didn't teach me how to respond to love, they taught me how to recognize duty.

Three days ago, I held a pigeon in my hand.  Her (yes, it was a her) bland eyes belied her gripping talons.  I carried her into my apartment and fed her bread.  She ate the food from my hand.  It was amazing.  What wasn't amazing was when she couldn't find her way through my open door.  She bombarded my bed, she took a dive at my hand (until she realized that I was still holding bread).  She gave up.  When I picked her up to let her go, I felt her heart.  My hands were wrapped around her wings and chest.  Lub-dub-dub-Love-dub-dub-Love-dub-dub.

1
You and I danced in the rain, not realizing that the sun had already exploded. 

Obviously, we didn't realize we had less than 8 minutes to live.

When the moon burst, I said to you:  "Love me, please."  You wouldn't even show me your boobs.  How can I combat that? 

2
I wanted to buy a new mattress, you wanted a new baby.  I said "We don't even have an old baby."  You pointed to your vagina and suddenly I wanted a new baby too.

3
In my dream, I saw you wandering.  I stood at the edge of your vision and waved, signaled, and even lit the world on fire.  Every time I tried to catch your attention, you looked away from me.  Even as your world burned.

4
Butterflies are the closest thing I have to an angel.  I have a feeder outside my home, and I diligently attend to it.  The worst part is in the morning when I find no butterflies feeding there.  I find huge paper wasps flickering around my homemade feeder.  Actually, the worst part is when those wasps sting me and I squash them in retaliation.  I would never do that to a butterfly.

5
Today, I was told that I lack a capability to care.  I responded by saying "shut up."  I can care.  I can care about weakness.  Think of my dreams:  friends I have known forever, people I haven't alienated, a nice book.  Now think of your dreams.  You probably don't even have a good one.

6.
Today I thought of rain.
Today I thought of you.
Today I wanted to be somewhere else.

7
I want to make a Chinese Lantern and inscribe the surface with my true name.  I want to watch the enlivened gases take that lantern and rise, rise, rise.  I want to see my name writ on the night sky.  I want to watch that lantern fade, and I want to cry.  I want to shout "I have never had a duty, I've only had a story".  And I hope that my story makes my father want to love me.

8
I'm flying to NY and, unlike the rest of my family, I can easily say that NY is not my home.  It is my safety net.  My home is that roiling water, that wave crashing on the rocks of Oregon or Maine.  My home is in that throbbing, scared heart of my pigeon.