The lack of guilt via another blackout , then the horror of what I thought I left behind.

Today is Friday, July 30th, 2010. 

The last day I can put a date to is Monday, July 26th, 2010.

On Sunday, July 25th, 2010  I went to The Viceroy to have a drink.  After 6 pints of Foster's and 8 shots of tequila, I left.  I remember going to the grocery store and I remember buying 2 steaks, 1 package of fajita seasoning, 1 jar of jalapeno peppers, 1 canister of Pringle's, 1 6-pack of Diet Coke, 3 packs of Marlboro Lights, and 2 bottles of water. 

I remember the walk home, the 6 bags of sundries condensing in the heat.  I remember inserting my key into the security door, and I remember Dennis walking in behind me.  I remember me saying "Dennis, let's go have a drink," and I remember Dennis saying "I have to wake up early." 

I remember that in the elevator, we decided that I would drop off my groceries and I would meet him at his door.  I remember meeting him, hailing a taxi and going to The Dubliner, and I remember ordering a drink.  I don't remember anything linear after that. When we went to that bar, when I ordered that drink, it was on Monday, July 26th.  2010. 

Sporadic Episodes after that:
07/26/10:  Shower of hot water.  People looking at me and a bunch of stuff I wrote on the white board.
07/26/10(pm):  12 empty glasses of whiskey
07/27/10:  Movie playing, me trying to take off my socks.
07/27/10:  Sweating and wondering why I was standing outside.
07/27/10:  1 bottle of Glenlivet empty in front of me, Pilar smiling and saying how much she loves me 
07/28/10 (am):  2 empty bottles of Budweiser and a waitress (Adina) asking if I wanted another whiskey.
07/28/10(pm):  1 jar of jalapeno peppers empty, 1 empty bottle of rum cradled in my hand.
07/29/10(am):  Double whiskey.  Double whiskey. Double whiskey.
07/29/10(pm):  My thumb on fire because apparently I no longer know how to work a match.

In between those moments, I washed my sheets, arranged my books, fixed my faucet, and went to work.  I have only a slight memory of me accomplishing those tasks.  It was only after I realized I was burning  (rather severely) that I...unblacked out (?).

I'm aware now, because of my thumb, and I checked my calendar: 4 days of my life completely gone.

I thought I had left the blackouts behind.  I thought I had left the fear that drives them behind.  Stupid ol' me. Fear follows me like a jet's contrail. 

I am sorry if anything I wrote (apparently I wrote a lot) offended anyone (specifically Amy Tavern).  Deeply sorry.  And I'm sorry if I have failed anyone who doesn't know how easily I can disappoint.  I will not say that I won't do it again, but I can promise you this:  I won't ask you for money.  (Unless you are rich and/or have initials in your name with either a consonant or vowel.)